Out of reach
For some, raising kids is an opportunity to re-visit the fun aspects of a happy childhood, for others it is a way to make peace with a troubled one. Still others don't have the option or decide that they would prefer to not return.
As I see my eldest teetering on the edge between childhood and adolescence, I feel like there will be so many versions of the children I know and understand. The baby she was is gone. The toddler and pre-schooler also have disappeared, but she keeps being replaced by a richer concentration of herself. I cannot miss the her I know right now or last year too much because I know she will reappear as someone I will love even more.
I look back at my childhood and think, I disappeared only to re-appear year after year. Who will I become? How will I deepen and change, knowing all this is just out of reach until it is time to say hello to the her I will become.